Grief Moved In

November 19, 2012

It’s the morning ~ the mourning
I look over and there’s the empty place
And
Peter is outside, he’s gone to get coffee and he is doing this and that, hither and thither and every which way and mostly that’s how it goes.
People think, as I did, that Grief gets less and less and goes away, after time.
I am now understanding comprehending feeling ‘there really isn’t a perfect word for it in English’ it is not gone or even leaving at all.
Grief moved in.
Like a roommate, wanted or not.
Grief is in the bathroom when I think it is my turn or in the kitchen ~ using the car, taking up space.
At first he/she/it transgendered hetero horrible sat all over me, rolled on top of me, hardly allowing me to breathe ~ always in front of my eyes blurring clouding everything, only internal light on, everything else darkened obscured a tender mercy in some ways, few sharp edges, distance between, then boom down under engulfed again over and over.
Now Grief and I have an arrangement, we live together ~ it´s lost weight which is what I have to do.
Yes, yes, I know ~ some waste away.
I puff up. ~ it is a holding on thing I also know this.
As I’ve told you
I am just days away from knowing everything
but
The ghosts tap on my window
‘I have no regrets’ (Edith Piaf)
My mother looks at me with that roll of the eyes, that’s because you are seventeen- look when I’d parrot and paraphrase Edith.
when I was a puppy
Now I can’t help the thoughts
thoughts be still

I think too much,
eat too much
cry too much
love too much
I am in a race now ~ Grief is right behind me, I race to win goddammit
Take your effing med ~ I don’t medicate.
I think it is an option I keep open ~ gives me the feeling of a safetynet down there
But I will not medicate ~ I have a distrust and disgust of pharmaceuticals.
Nutraceuticals? Sometimes ~ panic attacks?
I hold on to my hematite stone
Grief waits for me
I am coming to the realization
That it won’t ever leave
And if it does, will probably
Take me along anyway
Grief will take me along.
It has been an hour since I looked
As I recognized its presence
Confronted square on
Breathe deeply ~ still my thought
Drink coffee, my dear ones
And live, because as my friend Jim Kaufman has told me
Life is for the living
My new mantra
As I tell Grief to get out of the effing bathroom
I have to get dressed, I´m on the road
I am in a motel
It´s check out time
What the bleep am I doing sobbing and wallowing all over this paper.
Go Go Go
Each go is accompanied by a clap of the hand!
Up and at ´em, my dear ones
Keep calm and carry on, it is written on my coffee cup with a British crown in red and white.
I think I´ll go with
Keep calm until things get completely out of hand - (Ashleigh Brilliant)
Calm is overrated
Calm is pharmaceutical propaganda.
I think some and all too many live with a false sense of calm.
That´s the problem
Maybe a little hysteria is in order
Rage rally and buy or buy into something
to confound the king
oh if I hadn´t told you
there´s still a king.

Love,
Melanie